I know, I know... The stereotypes are abundant - ripped and toned Classicists lobbing disci to one another on the quad, flexing biceps wrapped in tattooed circlets of Sapphic poetry, gamboling lithely through the fields wearing nothing but a sheen of sweat - I've heard them all. And for the most part, they're true.
Except for me. The most sporting I've done was some fencing back in college. I was mediocre at best.
Recently, however, I've started running. I wasn't sure I'd keep it up since, let's face it, the prospect of getting out of bed for the express purpose of intense physical exercise is less than thrilling, but against all odds I've kept at it.
Which meant that it was time for some proper gear.
I have, until now, been running in a fairly nice pair of Sketchers and some old swim shorts. Classy, no?
Standing in the checkout line at the Insanely Priced Sporting Goods Store, I spied with my little eye something completely fucking ridiculous.
It was a massive display of plastic bracelets sporting a dime-sized holographic sticker on them - not unlike the holograms that suddenly cropped up in the 90's on just about everything from baseball cards to lunch boxes.
Now, these bracelets came in a box emblazoned with the words:
BALANCE * STRENGTH * FLEXIBILITY
It turns out that these are not normal holograms. Oh, no. These are Power Balance holograms. And these holograms? According to the accompanying brochure,
But who am I to judge? After all, Forrest Shearer (apparently a snowboarder) hath proclaimed "All I can say is super power!" and Lamar Odom of basketball fame assures the general public that "Power Balance is the next level."
I can only assume that the next words out of his mouth were "of horseshit" because I don't know what else to call this. It's a goddamned bracelet with a sticker on it that was ripped directly from 1986. A sticker imbued with supernatural powers.
I had that font on my TrapperKeeper.
I had thought the world largely free of snake oil salesmen and traders of Miracle Elixirs, but I see now that I was sorely mistaken. Apparently if you label it 'Performance Technology,' toss in some faux-scientific mumbo-jumbo and get a few endorsements from random sports players, it's suddenly valid.
But wait! Teemu Selanne wants you to hear more:
Unbelievable. And it can be yours for the low price of $29.95.
It turns out that these are not normal holograms. Oh, no. These are Power Balance holograms. And these holograms? According to the accompanying brochure,
"Power Balance holograms are embedded with frequencies that react positively with your body's natural energy field to improve balance, strength, and flexibility."The fuck? The hologram is embedded with frequencies? What in the hell does that even mean? And what the deuce is my body's natural energy field?
But who am I to judge? After all, Forrest Shearer (apparently a snowboarder) hath proclaimed "All I can say is super power!" and Lamar Odom of basketball fame assures the general public that "Power Balance is the next level."
I can only assume that the next words out of his mouth were "of horseshit" because I don't know what else to call this. It's a goddamned bracelet with a sticker on it that was ripped directly from 1986. A sticker imbued with supernatural powers.
I had that font on my TrapperKeeper.I had thought the world largely free of snake oil salesmen and traders of Miracle Elixirs, but I see now that I was sorely mistaken. Apparently if you label it 'Performance Technology,' toss in some faux-scientific mumbo-jumbo and get a few endorsements from random sports players, it's suddenly valid.
But wait! Teemu Selanne wants you to hear more:
"Power Balance is a remarkable product. Not only does it help me and my team with our balance and endurance on the ice, it also helps my mom live and feel better in her daily routine."So not only does this magical bracelet work with your body's natural energy field to improve your sports performance, it will also help with the little things like cooking dinner and paying the bills.
Unbelievable. And it can be yours for the low price of $29.95.
11 comments:
LOLZZZZZZZ!
Does it wipe your ass too?
jc
$29.99? Jeez, I could get you a good crystal on copper wire with DNA-activating vibrational frequencies for only $18.95! That's freaking highway robbery -- how elitist!
I have some magic beans for $20 if anyone's interested. I mean, Performance Technology Pellets.
A rubber band around your wrist will work just as well. As will nothing at all. Or a wrist watch.
You know, I would have doubted at $9.95. But something about that price tag makes me think the hologram must really have frequencies.
Bardiac: Wrist watch works better. It also tells time.
And I still have no idea what the hell it is! It reminds me of both what a Power Ranger would wear and those bands that help people with motion sickness. So I guess if you tend to get sick while you run? And need to fight giant monster/animal/machine thing.
For that amount of money, they should have thrown in a magic, decoder ring with it.
I'm a little sceptical about this.
I work with crystals on a personal level, and also with Quantum Touch. But.... these frequency bands are on a different level of belief altogether.
Today on smh.com.au I read that Brisbane footballer Brendan Fevola wears one of these. I also read today on smh.com.au that Brendan Fevola has been suspended indefinitely by Brisbane for alleged indecent exposure. I wonder which part may have caused the alleged indecent exposure: Power, Flexibility or Balance?
Wow I love how ppl gets crazy talking shit when someone shows up with a marketing idea. I love the argument for these bracelets, but I dont belive in energies. I bought one just to hear ppl talking shit and getting excited on how can a bracelet do what they proclaim, It's funny as hell how they get mad when I tell them the bracelet actually works.
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