Movie Monday - Clash of the Titans (1981)

I still haven't seen the new Clash of the Titans, but I've been poking around the internets a bit and I keep seeing people worrying/wondering about the same things.

"Sure, the new version is a remake (or maybe an adaptation) of the old movie, but I really hope they stay true to the mythology!"

"Golly-gee! I loved the old one so much, I hope they don't ruin it by making the myth all Hollywood!"

You get the idea.

Allow me to let you all in on a little secret: as far as the original Clash of the Titans was concerned, it brutalized the Perseus myth. I feel completely confident in saying that Troy, for all its faults, was a better, smarter and truer mythological adaptation than Clash of the Titans ever dreamt of being.

Here's a little mock interview for you. I hope it gets the point across.

So, Danae was locked in a tower and impregnated by Zeus in the form of a "golden shower" right? True! Danae's father received an oracle that Danae's son would kill him. So he did the only logical thing and... locked his daughter in a tower? Yeah? Does that make sense? Whatever, it's myth. And Zeus came to her in a shower of golden... sunlight? Rain? Use your imagination.

And then Danae's father locked her and her son Perseus in a wooden chest and chucked it into the sea? Also true. In the film, her father is incensed at her infidelity. In the myth, he's trying to keep the oracle from coming true. Which never works. Ever.

At which point Zeus 'released the Kraken' and destroyed the city of Argos for this totally heinous offense. Er, no. Zeus did no such thing and Argos thrived for quite a good long while. Also, there is no Kraken. There is, however, a sea monster called Cetus. (It'll come up later.) That's why a whale is a cetacean. Because it's a huge friggin' sea monster.

(Not a Kraken.)

Did Perseus and his mom really wash up on some island and spend years frolicking about and having a grand ol' time? Pretty much, yeah. It's the island of Seriphos, if you're curious.

And then Thetis screwed it all up. She was angry that Zeus' son Perseus had a life of easy living and luxury, while her own son Calibos had been turned into an ugly swamp creature. So she grabbed Perseus while --- Stop there. Thetis, for all intents and purposes, has one kid. That's Achilles. I don't know who the hell Calibos is or what he's doing here, but he's nowhere in the mythology. Now please, you were saying?

(Who am I? What am I doing here?)

Er, she grabbed Perseus while he was napping and transported him across the world to an abandoned theater where he was befriended by a kind, elderly actor who accompanied him on his many journies. ... Look, I know Greek mythology is pretty weird sometimes, but listen to yourself. That's ridiculous. The original story is much more, well, fine - the myth is pretty strange, too. The king of their little island refuge took a liking to Perseus' mom and wanted to get her kid out of the way so he could get his wooing on.
"Hey kid!" he said to Perseus. "Fetch me the head of Medusa!"
So off Perseus went to fetch the head of Medusa.

And then Zeus magically *poofed* a helm of invisibility, a really sharp sword and a shiny, talking shield into that abandoned theater for Perseus' use and enjoyment! Forget about the damned theater! And no, Zeus didn't just magic them down to earth; nothing's free, not even in the ancient world. Perseus had to go a-questing for those pretty toys. And the shield didn't talk. He also got a nifty pair of winged sandals and a special bag for holding Medusa's head.

Wait, winged sandals? What about Pegasus? Pegasus actually, ah, well, ahem... Pegasus, who is a fully grown horse with wings, mind you, pops out of Medusa's severed head. Along with some dude named Golden Blade... Yeah.

So Pegasus doesn't come to drink at the same spring every midnight on the full moon? No. No, he does not.

Does Hephaestus really make Athena a mechanical, metal R2-D2 owl named Bubo? I hate you so much right now.

(Look at me! LOOK AT ME!)

Oh. Well, um, Perseus gets to battle the Medusa, right? Sure, I suppose. If sneaking up and killing her in her sleep counts.

...I suppose the scorpions that come from the drops of her blood aren't in the myth either? Funny enough, there is a tradition that all sorts of creepy-crawlies were born when Medusa's blood fell onto the earth!

Awesome! I loved the scorpion fight scene! Yeah.. Perseus never fought any giant scorpions.

Fine. But he totally rescued Andromeda from the Kraken. I know that much. Sort of. Andromeda's mom, queen Cassiopeia was a bit too arrogant (just like in the movie) and made some pretty haughty comparisons between herself (or her daughter) and the gods. To keep the city from being ruined, she had to offer up her daughter to the giant sea monster, Cetus. Not the Kraken. There is no kraken in classical mythology. Remember this. It will serve you well. Repeat after me: There is no Kraken. There is no Sword of Troy.

And yes, Perseus rescues her. He also ends up using Medusa's head on an entire wedding party and years later accidentally kills his grandfather while throwing a discus.

That's myth for ya.